Figure Drawing Class – September 19th, 2011
So back to figure drawing class yesterday. Next week I will start a painting class there as well… so we’ll have to see how it works out going to two classes every Monday. Hopefully I can keep on track with it for the duration of the class.
My apologies for the quality of the photos… apparently my camera was having difficulty focusing this morning (don’t we all in the morning?).
We had a very small class yesterday. I think the smallest that we have had since I started going. After the first half hour a few more students trickled in and about an hour in “that guy” came in and sat down right next to me.
Who is that guy? Well, I normally call him (and the others like him) the Moaners…. but really, that’s not true. They are more bitchers than they are moaners. They talk to themselves and bitch. They talk about how hard this is, how much they suck at it or what is wrong (with the model, the lighting, the music, etc.,).
I have to admit that my immediate reaction when one of these people is near enough to me to hear them VERY clearly is to want to kick them in the teeth. Now admittedly, that’s an overreaction…. and I’ve never actually acted on it (or told one of them that I wanted to). But for some reason it REALLY bothers me when these people are nearby.
Yesterday I figured out why.
Now I know that whenever my peace is disturbed, that there is a fear involved. So what is it? What is the fear that this triggers? Why does it hit such a nerve?
Because these people say out loud the things that go through most of our heads. “I suck.” I’m never going to be any good at this.” “It’s ______’s fault that I can’t do this.”
The underlying fear is that we will never get good at it – and so if we listen to the fears… then there is no point in trying. It’s goal is to stop us in our tracks. To effectively disable us from moving forward. It takes someone with a Very Expensive Degree to be able to explain why we do this to ourselves, so I am not going to try.
For me the point is to avoid listening to it. My Critics Committee runs non-stop in my head and would have me sitting in a dark corner afraid to leave the house if I completely succumb to it.
That little nagging voice in the back of my head says things to me that I would smack any live person for saying to me. I would never tolerate that kind of abuse from anyone else…. yet I regularly subject myself to it.
Sometimes I can harness it and it will drive me forward.
Sometimes I see it as my greatest enemy and I fight it tooth and nail.
If I give in to it, then I will have nothing and it will be right. Screw that!
So if you have your own Critics Committee trying to destroy your hopes and dreams…. please know that you are not alone. We all listen to them more than we should. I don’t know anyone who is completely immune to their own fears… we will probably never be completely free of them, but we can learn to rise above them.
If you are an artist, a musician, a mom, a taxi driver or any other variety of human… know that we are ALL a work in progress. No one expects you to be perfect all of the time except you.
Each day, each creation, each project, each moment can be a step in the right direction. Some times we will falter and step backwards…. but that’s okay. Dust yourself off. Move on to the next project. Learn what you can and do it better next time.
You are writing the story of your life. If you write “I suck” on every page… it will become true eventually.
Just go be you. No one else can do that as well as you can.
Maybe I will be able to say that to “That Guy” next time he comes into class.
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