I do a lot of thinking. By most folks account, way too much thinking. I guess that is a matter of opinion.

<insert appropriate quote>

“Yes, know thyself: in great concerns or small, Be this thy care, for this, my friend, is all.” ~ Juvenal

I take that to mean that there are other people out there doing the same thing. Trying to examine our own motives – to not be a hostage to our gut instincts, but to rise above them and learn more. More about ourselves, and hopefully more about the world around us.

For me, I do this with the end goals of: being happier, being more loving & less reactive and to be a blessing in the lives of those around me. I know that has a lot of religious sounding overtones to it and so I try not to discuss my philosophy of life with those who are uninterested and/or would misinterpret it. I do not want to convert anyone (although I do love debates and when some one can change my point of view). I am just trying to do what most everyone else is – the best that I can with the tools that I have available to me. (Actually technically speaking since I don’t have an organized religion I couldn’t convert anyone anyhow… but I stray off topic….)

Bottom line. I would like to be happy. If it is possible, I would like to see those around me happy.

Recently someone blindsided me with some “facts” about myself. Pointed out some things that I had done that hurt them terribly. I have done what I can to make amends for these actions. I owned them and believe that I have made some changes that will keep that particular hurt from being inflicted on anyone again.

It has brought up a lot of questions for me. I have been looking at myself and my motivations and my actions. Where else have I been hurtful and did not know? How can I correct behaviors that I am not aware of? Are these facts or fears? I have heard it said that “no one chooses a course of evil, they simply mistake it for the pursuit of happiness”. <would insert credit for the quote if I could figure out who said it> Have I been angry, hurtful or mean? Or have I been misinterpreted? Am I trying to accept too much responsibility for other people’s pain?

For me, there is no change without pain. Once again the Universe has seen fit to bring me a lesson that hurts. Once the pain is greater than the fear than the change comes – but I am just having so much difficulty figuring out the fear in this one.

I hope the understanding comes soon – this is getting old.

~ by justteejay on January 11, 2010.

2 Responses to “Introspection”

  1. WOW! im grateful that i get the honor of knowing you.. there are so many thoughts and feelings we share and probably have no idea.. after this past week, im glad to read that im not the only one (that probably sounds really selfish).. thanks for sharing this so i could randomly read it

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