I am so very very sick of being sick.

Despite the nice variety of different diagnosis from various doctors over the years (lupus, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, etc.,). Not one of them has ever given me a way to stop feeling this way. I don’t know how other people react to this stuff but having a doctor tell me that I have “chronic fatigue syndrome” and that it “is a real disease” just pisses me off. To me this is like me going to a doctor and telling him that I have this horrible pain in my head and that it is keeping me from working and is affecting my way of life and have him tell me that “it’s called a headache, it’s a real disease” and then giving me absolutely nothing constructive to do about it. Telling me that I am depressed when I am not pisses me off as well. I get depressed. I know depressed. Yes, sometimes I get depressed when I have been sick for a while, but it always comes after the sick not before, and plenty of times I spend all sorts of time deep into depressed without getting sick.

It’s been probably about four or five years since I even bothered to try and go to one and talk to them about it. I actually probably don’t even have a doctor at this point. I don’t know how long you have to not show up before they consider you not to be a patient anymore.

I think that I have tried everything on my own that I could possibly think of to try and make this go away. Then every time it comes back I feel like I have failed somehow. There are days where it is everything that I can do to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. Some days it gets the better of me. Some days I can push through and act “as if”.

Fortunately the universe seems to take good care of me. Today, which was especially bad, both of my appointments no showed. While I think that maybe it would have been a good distraction to be working, I am glad that I have had today to rest. Tomorrow I am working at the doctor’s office and I always feel extra especially guilty if I have to cancel those appointments.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

~ by justteejay on December 1, 2009.

One Response to “Sick”

  1. Yesterday was indeed better – and today is better yet. Good days, bad days, we all have ’em.

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